Fuck this noise. I’ve got this.
Stuck in this rut right now. It’s so fucking exhausting and it’s difficult for me to even think clearly. It’s as if I couldn’t handle things right now so my mind just decided to put itself on the back burner while it gets some twisted pleasure watching me try and function without it.
Silent screams of pain and grief fill the hollow walls of my mind.
I can’t stop wishing that we had all had more time.
Distant memories coming to the surface,
so many that I don’t know if this is worth it.
The spaces in my chest just yearning to be filled
only to be smothered once more and eventually killed.
And yet somehow I still breathe
hoping these missing pieces can be retrieved
from my past,
can I last?
Or will my spirit finally give
and I lose my final will to live.
Again and again this cycle ensues
leaving me once AGAIN to be born anew.
I grow tired of this tale,
but spirit guide me, I will not fail.
I can’t find the words to describe how I’ve been feeling as of late. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly depressed, but I almost feel like I might as well be. I’m stuck in that state of numbness where know if you could feel you would be in pain. As a result it’s becoming difficult for me to function again. I’m missing classes again and not even leaving my house.
My mom’s birthday is tomorrow and I’m planning on visiting her grave. Her birthday could very well be the cause, part of me knows that it is. To be honest I’ve been missing them both a lot recently. Years later it still hurts just the same. I never grieved for her and that’s what finally caught up to me years later when my will to live finally gave. And then my dad dies too? I’ve grieved for him somewhat because I didn’t have a choice in the matter, I was alone. Ah, yes. This is the source of my dis-ease. Here is the pain. Here are the tears. I have no choice but to let them fall and to grieve for my parents. I have to face accept they are not going to be there. That I’m never going to have a father daughter dance at my wedding. That my mom isn’t going to be with me in the hospital when I’m having my children. That they will never be able to hold my children and spoil them rotten. Part of me accepted this long ago, but these tears show me that I have so much work ahead of me still. I know they are here with me in spirit. But feelings of their presence and flashes of them in my minds eye pale in comparison when I remember the feeling of my dad hugging me everyday he came back from work when I was young. Or my mom singing to me and comforting me when I couldn’t sleep. Songs that I will never be able to sing to my own children because I was too young to remember. I know they are here. I really do. I feel them and I’ve traveled to visit their spirits. They’re happy and I am so happy that they are happy. That they’re together again. I’m trying so hard to be okay without them, I really am. But from time to time I am always just going to feel so alone. But I have to live on regardless. The monk I sought guidance from told me that I have to live my life and do as many wonderful things as I can so when I am reunited with them again I can tell them all about it. I know he is right. And I’m trying. I really am.
Loaf of pug.
hahaha pugs kill me man
Wanna take a minute to pause with me, my friend?
Whatever has been dancing in our worlds in this play of consciousness today, let’s find the space between thought, Now.
Let’s breathe in deep together, and breathe out long…
At your core you are beautiful and good and worthy of happiness and…